How to be Russian

This is an easy "how to" guide for how to be Russian when you're really American. Follow these instructions and you are guaranteed success!*

*Note: Success may not be guaranteed if you open your American mouth and speak English

How to be Russian in 8 easy steps!

Step 1: Wear stylish coats. This coat should include but may not be limited to: a fur hood, a real fur hood, full length fur, lining with fur, not make you look like you're homeless.

Step 2: Wear stylish boots. These boots should be forming to your leg. Also, It is recommended that you wear form fitting pants and tuck said pants into your boots. Stilettos not required but still recommended.

Step 3: Either sound really angry when you speak or speak so quietly that it's nearly impossible to hear. However you do not actually have to be angry when you speak, just have the appearance of anger.

Step 4: Speak Russian. Simple phrases go a long way. Necessary words include thank you, yes, no, and I don't know. However use caution when saying, "I don't know" as random people on the bus might mock you for saying it responding with sarcastically and angrily saying, "You don't know!"

Step 5: Look mad all the time. Anywhere you go don't forget to wear your sour face! Why should you look stoked to see someone who you won't ever see again?

Step 6: Smoke like there's no tomorrow. Literally everyone else is doing it. So why not? And when there's a make shift ash tray right outside of your apartment made out of an old canned peaches can it becomes even easier!

Step 7: Be obsessed with things being on the ground. Was your backpack just on the ground? Don't even think about putting it on the table. Ten seconds rule? Nope. Zero second rule. Actually, it's more like a negative ten seconds rule.

Step 8: Cuddle on the escalator. On the way down to the metro why waist that two minutes of your life? Spend it doing some intense PDA!

There you have it! Follow these and you won't have any problems at all. In fact, you'll blend right in! I guarantee it!

...there are no guarantees in Russia.